A Tugged-Away Jewel, Laguna Azul

In the north-eastern corner of the national park Torres del Paine lies the blue lake, Laguna Azul. A 7,5 by 1 km blue lake, 400 mm deep carved and left behind by the retrieving glaciers. It has access by gravel road, but no public transportation gets there. The park administrator CONAF has a park ranger station on the southeastern shore you pass as you make your way to the camp-site and the primitive installations on the north-eastern shore. Across the lake you have marvelous views of some of the most spectacular and famous granite peaks, including “The 3 Towers of Paine”/ las Torres del Paine. However we are in an area dominated by Patagonian steppe and xerophytic shrubland spread out over soft curving hills. This is the preferred habitat for the guanaco-lama, the grey fox and the puma. We too are surrounded by snow-capped and odd-formed mountains that rise towards the sky. In between the peaks the Rio de las Chinas, which offers excellent fly fishing opportunities, carves it way down leaving behind pure rock exposed in beautiful stratos. All ancient testimonies of the last ice age.

We have escaped the city for 4 days in our jeep with the intention to make basecamp here and go for day hikes in the vicinities. We haven’t discriminated when preparing for this outing as we have almost unlimited space in the jeep. We even brought all the equipment bought through the Capital Semilla in case the weather would invite for a photo-shoot session.

At the camp site we meet Vitamina, or Victor, who is in charge here. He put at our disposal the inside of the “quincho”, as it still isn’t allowed to light fire or cook outside – a precaution that derives from the last destructive fire 2 years ago. As we are the only ones camping here we get to spend some time together, especially in the evenings. I had been looking forward to actually camp, but we felt kind of obligated as this guy was bored, alone and very happy to have company.

What a great feeling once again to give in to the forces and rhythms of nature. We were just us, the magnificent mountains, the elements and life in its most natural state. I felt exposed and curious sensing, observing and feeling everything around us. I noted that I am experiencing everything with new eyes. Though I in my rehabilitation unconsciously have aimed for (and expected) to feel the exact same feeling of grandness, marvel and beauty of creation as I did before, what I am experiencing now is something far more solid. No doubt I still am marveled and surprised but what I get is the sense of being part of it. Not just an observer. It’s quite powerful, and I need to adjust to this new view on things. I have always considered myself lucky just to be, to see and to experience what is out here. Humble, small and insignificant. I need nothing more.

Now I notice that I am digging deeper as I learn to understand the powers, forces and happenings that occurred and made it possible for me to stand right in the middle of it. It’s not so solid yet, it’s evolving. As I now am able to walk into pure nature, the process is speeding up. I wonder where I am heading to…

The 4 days flew away – literally. I was able to hike every day: 3, 12, 8 and 10 km in not too difficult terrain. Spring time is upon us bringing about new colors, purity and happiness. 

A Second Change

Past Friday presented a full moon. We have had quite a long streak of strong winds and changeable weather the past weeks and this new moon we hoped would bring a pleasant improvement. That was partly the motive for deciding to go for a dip under the moonlight in the Señoret Channel just south of Puerto Natales where it runs into the Golf of Almirante Montt. This event was born in a Yoga Association meeting when Michelle had received a message that motivated her do something as refreshing and purifying – though quite odd around here – as is Sea bathing at this time of year. I immediately joined in and Friday night we brought crokks and warm chai along with blankets to the lighthouse that marks the entrance of the Channel where the beach is sandy and presents less stones. We defied the cold and the wind screaming and rejoicing our courage as we dipped our bodies in the cold water. As a touch of faith the otherwise hidden moon appeared from behind the clouds at this very moment lighting our path and our necked silhouettes. We felt the freedom and spirit of the pioneer as the cold water surrounded our physical body bringing an unexplainable amount of energy to the brain. The sensation afterwards was explosive. Immediate warmth was generated as the body counter reacted the shock to an extend where neither of us no longer felt the cold wind on our bare skin. We felt totally cleansed and inspired as we - the 3 Patagonian Vikings – sat back in the car, dried and hot, sharing the chai. We had succeeded in welcoming the full moon connecting with the elements, innovated ourselves and created a recurring event. This is to be repeated…

This new energy brought along new insights and clarity helping me to prioritize and chose where to place my energy and conscience at this moment. Sunday I went for a hike. This time it wasn’t as planned as my prior outing, in fact the idea was formed on Saturday and decided Sunday morning, as I felt the need to establish and physically feel the current state of my right leg. Was all the different focuses during my rehabilitation really paying off in some way. Was my efforts improving not only my strength but also and maybe even more importantly - the confidence and connection with my leg.

After midday Gabi and I sat out to conquer the Sierra Dorotea: the low mountain range that towers up in my backyard. The mountain range I observe and am marveled by daily as it changes in color and appearance according to the weather conditions. A mountain range that is teaching me not always to look at the entity as a whole but rather to look closer at the smaller objects that brings together the entire aspect of the whole range revealing its true beauty and the power and beauty of creation. The mountain range that, since we moved here, has converted itself into my guru with whom I share name, who constitutes power, mystery and diversity and who represents great knowledge, adaptation and patience. It has easy approach but immediately challenges you with its steep slopes and the exposure to the elements, specifically the strong winds making you feel very tiny and fragile. You become aware of the violation of your comfort zone as part of you are arguing to turn around. I remember these mental contradictions and am happy to finally experience the internal challenge. The battle however I won long ago when I started travelling alone, and it takes me close to no time to remind myself of this victory and let go of the fear. It felt so liberating and I started to smile. This is what I have longed for.

We sit down for a short while as we reach the small nothofagus forest and are sheltered for a while as we share a cup of tea. Below us a buzzard eagle passes by shortly before a great condor does the same. God I have missed this. I am marveled by the beautiful symbiosis of the flora, at the traces of puma and the marine fossils we encounter walking along the ridge at an altitude of approx. 700 m.a.s.l. At the different sediment stratos of the mountain range clearly distinguishable and layered as a pie, and exposed to us by the eternal action of erosion. From the top incredible views of Puerto Natales and the surrounding waters, terrains, terraces and mountains (today hidden in the low-hanging clouds) is telling the relatively recent history of origin and formation during the last ice age maximum extent some 20.000 +/- years ago.

To me, Dorthe Beldal, I had been given a second change. I felt blessed and free… The wind hitting my face was cleaning me and my memory, blowing away some of the past experiences, bad energy and thoughts.

Thank you!

6 months - already

Today it’s been 6 months since my fourth operation in the right knee and 2 years since the accident. 2 years! Oh my, who would have thought? And my god had I known it would have taken this long, I might just have given up right at the beginning. Luckily time is a relative thing and as I look back the past years have passed by quite quickly. And despite the difficult moments this period of time have brought to me some valuable insight I don’t think I would have gained had I been able to live the life I was planning to live 2 years back in time.

This has been the fight of my life – so far. Not only to regain my gait and liberty of free movement, but to hold on to the essentials of me. To momentarily lose faith and strength to keep on fighting is a ground-moving experience, and sometimes what a human needs to put life and things in perspective. I have seen into the real me, peeling off all the different roles I play in life, all my minds tricks and all my earthly desires. Momentarily everything in my life was clear and had a purpose. I felt free and happy and free from guilt and sorrow. I felt the warmth and light shining upon me and I was smiling.

I accepted that I might not be able to hike ever again because I saw that my life could still be full of happiness despite my bodily restrictions. I am surrounded by gifts of life, that I was ignoring because of my own self-pity. I my self was responsible of feeling sorrow, because I was assuming how it all would end. But for what purpose really?

These are all hind sight thoughts and realizations. I can see know that by the time I fully accepted my situation I started to progress. I am in a steady and stabil rehab pattern of fitness, physiotherapy, biking, hiking and yoga. And today -  3 months before the first DEFY Patagonia group -  my realistic and groundbound PT is supporting me in preparing me to receive and walk the strenuous trek with this group. This has been and is still my primary goal of all my hard work of rehab, but today the difference is that I will also be happy to stay back and keep working on my progress to actually reach a near perfect knee. It will be ok. And for that reason I know I will be ready. 

This is a very crucial time for me. I have worked my way back to living a respectable and normal life. But my final goal is far beyond this point. Now I must hold back a bit, not obeying the mind that feels my body in a perfect stage. Because it is not. I still lack quite a bit of work to be as fit as possible for a responsible and adequate physical state to walk for many hours, with 20-25 kg on my back in a very unstable and varied terrain. It’s not an easy goal to aim for. Of this I have been warned many times, but I believe it to be within reach. It depends on only me.

I celebrated this day with a backpack hike near the Milodon Cave. 6 km walking on rocks, gravel, within humid caves and on soft grass. A bit up and down but otherwise straight ahead. I had been exited for over a week, as this was to be my very first official trekking outing conmemorating the operation and my physical and mental state 6 months ago. I am surpassed it and I was smiling for the entire 3 hours we spent, Luis and I, in the Natural Monument of the Milodon Cave. Afterwards I felt physically tired. Very tired and my knee was sore. After 20 minuts of ice the knee was feeling no irritation or soreness. It was fine!! What a big day.

  

Needless to say that from this point onwards hiking will be part of my progressing rehab focusing on always gaining more confidence and strength.

Spring

The first flowers and trees are blossoming. 

This morning the neighboring horses brought down the fence and went to visit. Luis was all absorbed in working in wood that he didnt even notice the surprice visit until they were right up in his face.

Home improvements

At the end of september we are all installed and have time to enjoy the exceptionally beautiful days, outside!

Inside we have changed the small kitchenette/ oven to another we have had stored awaiting this moment, and installed it outside in the new space. Inside the mobile home the excess space is converted to my home office, fully equiped thanks to the Chilean Government and there support of DEFY Patagonia.

Our wood-burning stove is all installed and is asuring us no more freezing moments. It also works quite well for cooking.

The first days of October we agree on invest in glass for our 5 windows, and abandond the ongoing search and the odd posibility of actually finding cast-away glass to insert. A search that has been going on for a month. Can you see the difference?

Personally I have struggled a little bit mentally feeling at home here. I have been hanging around, and holding on to old patterns - as unhealthy as they have been. Always returning to the comfortable and safe house of my family. But by the mid of September I had worked my way towards truly enjoying the place, the freedom, our love and dreaming a little bit about the future. I began to feel a great peace here, changing my whole point of view.

Today I rarely feel the need to make way towards Puerto Natales. I rather stay right here, peacefully observing spring, with the blossoming of flowers and the courting of all the different animals and birds. Sitting by the fire with Luis all in silence with a big smile upon my face.