Leaving and reflecting

Shortly I will be leaving Denmark and return to Patagonia. After having spent almost 7 months here, things have started to become a habit. Me being here is a normal thing not just for me but for everyone around me too. I am not just a visitor stopping by for a short while, but a fully integrated part of everyday life around here. It means the goodbye will be very different this time. I see it as the end of an era and the beginning of my future I feel I am facing. Coming back Luis and I will go live on our lot on the outskirts of Puerto Natales city. An inspirational and extremely beautiful site we bought last year, with views of the mountains, the fiords and in the closer distance the city laying on the shores of The Señoret Canal. 

Luis found a small motor home he is refurbishing and insulating to become our very first home. It's going to be very exciting and a step away from civilization and the comfortable way of life.

This week I finished a 3 month project that rewarded me by winning a contest in Chile. The Capital Semilla project that honours the most promising entrepreneurs in the start up of their new business. The winning price is a sum of money that I have destined to buy the mountain equipment I need for Camp DEFY – a mobile camp of 4-season tents and outdoor cooking equipment we bring along as we advance in the trail. This is the best thing that could happen and in a way it justifies the limbo I have been in during 2012 and 2013 being away from the mountains. 

I have been tested on my faith. I have learned to let go of my strongest desires and give in to acceptance of the circumstances. And to believe that everything is exactly as its supposed to be, despite the little stones and the odd changes of direction on the way.

Putting in the effort

You might wonder how it is going. The short reply to that question is: EXCELLENT. I was able to enter the gym on June 1, and since then it has provided me with the daily minimum of 2 hours of practice, training and work out. The knee is really holding up good, and advancing on a daily basis. I can’t begin to describe how happy that makes me, and how good it feels finally to be able to work with my body again.  We are slowly reuniting. Kristians, my Physical Therapists, orders are still no walking or road biking, but lots of muscles strengthening exercises along with cardio on the stationary bike. I still need to lay in an uncomfortable stretch for 15 minutes each day, as I still lack the full extension of the leg.

It really takes dedication and a lot of hard work. But having passed a long time in a restless and passive state that part is not a problem at all. So far everything is working out as it is supposed, bringing to me an almost extreme state of hope. I dare to start dreaming about a return to the mountains. And I have worked out a program that will lead to be able to welcome DEFY Patagonia´s first guests in January 2014 as their guide. I dream about the nights in camp looking up at the stars, about the strenuous hikes up the mountains, the observing of everything around you that converts the symbiosis of nature into true miracles, the load of heavy backpack containing all your essentials, all the marvellous creatures that surprises you, the green colours of the flora, the mid-stop cup of tee. Just being really and observing everything and every detail around you – with 2 good legs to carry you wherever you want. 

Inmobilized

7 weeks post op I am doing exceptionally fine. Slowly gaining more mobility I am able to walk very slowly 1 km without brace and mostly without crutches. It makes me happy but also very aware of the job I have ahead of me regaining muscles strength and the propioception (the nerve connection that brings messages between my brain and my leg, that really has a hard time responding when I more or less unconsciously ask it to move or flex etc.) There is a noticeable delay in the communication leaving a lapse of time for me to actually make my next move and sometimes stumble before I realize the delay. To prevent this I have to be extremely focused and concentrated all the time no matter what I do. It’s tough but also interesting figuring out and observing the healthy side of my body compared to the weak one.

At least 2-3 hours daily I spend solely on nursing and strengthening the leg. I take off the brace to get a better feel of my muscles but also to observe and focus on perfect execution. Before I lay out my mat to work out I warm up by walking and biking on the static bike in the basement. It makes me feel very exposed walking without the brace. It’s my protection not alone from bad movements but also it aids me by alerting surrounding people of my weak leg. It’s very important to me that my over-protective consciousness will let go of the fear of pain and injury and start to build up the confidence and trust I will need in the mountains. The exercises at this point is focused on obtaining a complete extension of the leg and on gaining more range of motion. Today I can flex up to about 135 degrees when assisted. That’s a whole lot better than expected at this point giving me a great advantage as I am shortly taking off the brace and start the real rehabilitation. The difference in circumference of the thighs are still 4 cm as it was 1 week post op. It might take a year to regain complete muscle-strength.

Being semi mobile I have gone to the north coast of the Danish Island Sealand, a 1 hour drive from Copenhagen. I am sitting in the sun appreciating all the different trees blossoming bringing about the recognizable and super beautiful baby green color lightening up the entire landscape that is awakening after having just survived during winter. Spectacular creatures... I leave you with the sunset last night.

A Brand new Knee?

Spring has truly arrived to Copenhagen. In the glasshouse in my parent’s garden I have registered the temperature to 35 degrees this past week. Though the real outside temperature is about 10 degrees it’s wonderful. I am 3 weeks post op already, having undergone surgery April 9. What a mess I had inside my knee: it was filled with a surprisingly amount of scar tissue, leaks via a small hole in the knee capsule and loose items within. I was following the operation live on a small screen witnessing firsthand the thorough clean-up and the new suture in the meniscus we agreed on right there, trying to save the meniscus once again. The doctor then closed the small hole in the capsule and then she separated and removed the cyst the leak had amounted to. 1 and a half hour and I was wheeled away to slowly recover from the epidural. The same afternoon I went home with the entire leg wrapped in a Don Joy set on -10 degrees (full extension) for the next 2 weeks.

I had to brusquely stop the Spring Cleansing I was undergoing, when the doctor hospitalized me with just 1 day notice. So I ate after just 2 days of fast when the intention was 4 days. But honestly I was feeling very weak and dizzy so it wasn’t too bad. I was careful about what I ate but not really following the strict regime the cleansing was dictating. This being avoiding several foods that are considered to clog up the system (wheat, yeast, milk products, rice etc.) Instead I was focusing on getting energy to recover from surgery. All in all I still feel cleansed out and on top of that I was relieved of the 5 kg I had gained during the fase of waiting.

Now I am happy to announce that the knee will recover. It’s been 6 months of uncertainty not really knowing whether or not I would ever be able to return to my beloved mountains.  A total of 6 months of endless waiting that I am getting ready to leave behind me, replacing it with all the stacked up hopes and dreams that has been trapped inside my soul. Today I am very optimistic and obviously extremely happy about the idea of actively aid the progress of recovery by exercising and strengthening my tooth stick-like right leg. To be able to do something instead of nothing. Wow what a thrill…

This time however, as opposed to last time, it seems I will have to be very patient and not progress too fast. This is going to be my big challenge of which I am reminded daily be my mindful husband when I am walking without the crutches for instance. It is and will be extremely difficult. I have already made myself a rehab program that brings me to a point where I can guide the first groups of DEFY Patagonia in January 2014. The program is a slow and continuous advance of physical strength combined with a lot of functional training: camping, hiking and trekking in the beloved Patagonian Mountains. I am so excited.

The Don Joy has denied me flying back to Chile as intended yesterday, early May. Doctor’s word. For Luis to stay here with me until august, we have applied for an extension of the 90 days tourist visa he is already possessing. Supposedly it’s just a formality but seeing that the Danish immigration system is very hostile it’s not possible to believe in anything before we get the real answer. Luis staying will mean that we can continue the daily English classes along with the fly fishing lessons Luis is receiving, not to mention the incredible support he is putting in my rehabilitation. We make a very good team and it would be such a shame to break that up at this point. Unfortunately the answer was a stunning NO to our petition. Even acked up by a complaint accompanied by 2 different doctors assuring that I am in a situation of limited function needing support Luis had to leave yesterday. It’s quite shameful that the Danish system denies us being together for a limited period of time when I honestly need him more than ever. But since it has to be that way one just need to adjust.

Today I had a follow up with my PT, Kristian Koldsbjerg Nielsen, who sees my progress as really good. I have received a moral boost and motivation to carry on towards full recovery. I am halfway in wearing the Don Joy, now locked in between  full extension and 40 degrees flexion. Its going so well as I am now to slowly fade out the use of crutches. And the thigh muscles is gaining potency also.

I leave you with some photos of the resistant leg/ knee of mine taken within the last 3 weeks.

Cleaning Out

I am just one week away from the doctors appointment and the future judgment on my knee. With the hour closing in I am actually letting go of the anxiety and restlessness that seems to have dominated my life over the past year. It has been an entire month since I last checked in here. During this time I have initiated a thorough cleansing of my mind as well as my degrading body. I needed new life and energy. It has been a month of introspective, meditation and release under the guidance of a professional healer, leading to a far healthier vision of my current life-situation. I seem to have forgotten that the path of life is long and that every little detail will fit in in the bigger picture in the end.

I have given in to life and lived it as best as I could. A longed for and very much needed injection of good energy right in the vein which slowly changed my state of mind in the right, positive direction. As a direct consequence I decided to take the physical (and very mental) challenge to go on a cleanse/ fast to purify and lighten my conscience by undergoing a strict internal spring cleaning.  Over almost a month I am following a very strict – and not too far from my normal vegetarian - diet-regime and fast while I dedicate myself to meditation, stretching and yoga (to the very limited extent I am capable of) as well as my other daily chores. I have done cleansing several times before and know more or less what to expect , and I am glad to recognize the benefits and positive influence treating my body well brings along.

This type of cleansing brings topics and ghosts hidden in the sub conscience out in the open, free to be treated, accepted and released, out of my system. The internal spring cleaning becomes a mental spring cleaning too and I intend to benefit from it when the knee in a short while will be recovering once again.

Spring is here. Apart from the very wintery snow the days has slowly grown longer and the sun is warming you up around the heart, while you shelter from the wind. People wear smiles more loosely and everything is starting anew. I can hear the mountains calling me from the distance. I am getting ready for an expected reencounter. Soon!?! 

Out Birding

I was putting on my Haglöfs GRYM at 7.30 AM a Saturday in February. Not since October had I worn my favourite trekking boots. But today was special.

In 2 degrees below 0 we were 15 bird enthusiasts defying the cold windy climate to circumwalk the little peninsula Bognæs deep within the Roskilde Fiord, some 50 odd km from Copenhagen. We were gathered to go “hunting” for Northern Europe’s largest bird of prey; White-tailed Eagle aka “Sea Eagle” (Haliaeetus albicilla). A couple is known to nest on this small Peninsula habited only by few humans and a lot of deer. All of us equipped with a personal binocular dangling from around our neck, 4 ornithologists had furthermore brought their scope on tripods to be able to focus in on our “prey”. FYI a personal binocular enlarges about 8-10 times while the grand tripod monsters enlarge approx 60 times or even beyond. If we are so lucky as to find an Eagle resting these come into play.

I am a recent member of the Danish Ornithologist Society and this was my first outing bird watching in the company of fellow enthusiasts. My knowledge of Scandinavian Birds is short in comparison with my Patagonian and that is something I am set to change. And I was in for a real treat as these guys are extremely capable, inspiring and walking encyclopaedias in birds. We saw several birds and birds of prey (3 species of Buzzards (Buteo)), even a couple of rare ones – in my terminology, but the pair of Sea Eagles proved to be missing in action. You see the fiord surrounding the peninsula was frozen and thus still not apt for the prey of the Sea Eagle.

The day was very grey and moist, even snowy at some point, not favouring for great photos. But none the less we walked for 4 hours through the naked winter forest of pine, beech and lark on trails just as frozen and slippery as the fiord itself. To my delight we also passed an ancient Oak of approx. 600 years. Now unfortunately dead but that didn’t prevent me from playing a short film inside my head of what this giant must have witnessed during his many cycles. I was more happy than a dog with 2 tails, completely ignoring the pain I had felt in my leg since we sat out. It didn’t matter. For a short while I was back in my territory, out and around. Just a little lost in the Danish “wilderness”.

This week I received news from the hospital that confirmed my suspicion: Soon I will be called in to be prepared for yet another knee operation. This will be my fourth in 12 years. Having spent the last 6 months with discomfort, pain and a lot of uncertainty this news was actually quit a relief and the spark of a new light of hope. Mentally I can hope and prepare for recovery which has ignited a newfound awareness of my body. The body I have rejected since that fatal day in October last year when something went completely wrong inside my recovering knee. Since that day I have –yet again - been a prisoner inside my own body not accepting the realities nor taking the responsibility. Proof of that are the 5 very earthly kilos I have gained during these months. Meniscus transplants of both my meniscus has been mentioned which implies a non weight bearing period of 4 weeks and a very slow and long recovery process. It is a complete dejavu situation but still I prefer it over loss of capacity any time. We will just have to wait and see. I am treated by the very best doctors into sports injury and science in Denmark and I would trust them to mend my knee and to support me in my recovery.

A pleasant visit from Chile

Still without any notice from the doctor I saw myself spiraling down towards a deep depression at the end of January and beginning of February. How I would just love to be posting blogs about the adventures and challenges I had planned to encounter at this point, but instead I find myself posting half dairies about how to cope with my loss. However with the arrival of my husband Luis last week the downward spiral immediately turned in a positive direction. At once I was scraping off layers of negativity and freeing myself of unnecessary worrying, getting a glimpse of the happiness I felt in September when I returned to Patagonia.

Slowly meaning is entering my life once again. And so is my awareness of freedom of choice. I am still sick and tired of the f*** knee but I can’t keep wasting my time when the world is still spinning and people around me with it. I have promised my husband to focus on our bright future and sort between the god and the bad for me right now. It may seem logical but beeing to clouded I had lost my way. The knee and entire leg is weakening fast. I am worried I will never recover from 1 1/2 year of inactivity, mutilation and compensation and the endless waiting is still driving me crazy.

This weekend however we went to the country side to visit our friends Line, Nicolai and their 2 boys. Being in their company usually means lots of “hygge” (coziness red.) with good food and home brewed beer. Adding to this hopefully some introductory fly fishing and tips to my website behavior. And so it went and I was able to lay aside my worries and talk about the future.

Nicolai just happens to be a fanatic and excellent fly fisher with the spare equipment and energy to introduce Luis in the world of fly fishing. With him as a mentor and motivator Luis is taking up the challenge of learning the fine art of fly fishing with the objective to go exploring the Southern Patagonia for spots and at the same time evolve to a descent fly fisher. In the near future DEFY Patagonia will  include guided fly fishing trips to the best places in our region. We are both motivated and has, thanks to the borrowed rod from Nicolai, been out everyday – wind or not – to throw the line and watch the birds while freezing our a** off. 

 So from now on challengepatagonia.blogspot.com will also be treating the challenges and advances of my husband Luis in his endeavor of learning how to fly fish.

I leave you today with 2 fotos: one taken exactly 1 year ago (4 weeks after surgery) and the latter taken today. It is still thin and deform.