Time vs. Patience

I left the doctor a bit disappointed after having been enrolled in the Danish Health System. It was my own fault really after having expected more than was possible. The doctor was capable and quite nice and recognized me immediately. I handed in the disc showing my MRI scan made in Chile, which he would hand in to the x-ray department responsible for deciphering the various images. Before having done a thorough analysis of the disc no diagnose is expected. Logical but not what I have had in mind.

While I am waiting to know whether or not the disc is in a satisfactory quality I am following the mantra of this whole process: Patience. As life goes by I am slowly getting more and more restless in my approach towards my handicap and often reminded about the connection and increasing off-balance between my earthly, physical body and my conscious mind. It might very well be my greatest task in all of this to accept and take advantage of the increased mental overweight I am experiencing when lacking my strength of my physical body to take me to places I so long for. The connection is not in sync and my mind cannot cope with it.

My friends tell me I have a certain sadness about me and a seriousness that I in my entire life have never had or never have had to have. I myself was not aware of it but not taken by surprise. Even when comparing my “minor” problem with other life tragedies I believe I have a right to be sad. Strangely I am also sad about the before mentioned tragedies other people are experiencing. I am sad and take on all the sadness around me. As if I have joined a special club for unhappy people sharing and showing compassion and understanding. I don’t know but it is all of a sudden quite a responsibility and a heavy burden. It is contagious and dangerous and I have to dig very deep, through meditation, to find back to who I am and to find peace even in moments like these.

I am reminded that life is ever changing and that I must adapt and change my life around the changes. Because if I do not I will be stuck in the past missing out on life. Life being ever changing will always have its up’s and down’s. The down’s bringing perspective requiring us to evolve our will power that eventually gives us the ability to really enjoy the up’s. That simple. But so much easier said than done. On the way to re discovering all of this I have had some very tough weeks. At one point I developed an allergy for negative words and actions, even when applied with humor. I was so over sensible I even got a rash, stomach aches and was filled up with anger (in Ayurveda this is a heavy overload of pitta). I for one am not an angry person but for 2 days I think I was unbearable and to me everyone was in unbearable too.

I have questioned human relations and our responsibility towards each other. Ending up by concluding – once again – that we are all alone in the end. The responsibility for my life and the road to my happiness is mine. And suddenly I started taking responsibility once again. Under a meditation I went for my deck of goddess cards that gave 3 clues to how to get back on the right path: get out in nature, find my inner goddess and find my true desire. So this is what I am doing. Connecting with the birds outside my window, meditate and work on establishing DEFY Patagonia. This is my focus and I am already on the road back to being happy. I will finish by posting a photo of the winter guests from north: Bohemian Waxwing searching for food in our back yard.

I am reassured that this will end in a good way. It will take me to new levels of understanding and enjoying the gift of life. Because that is what it is all about. Life. 

The happy New Year

Entering 2013 offered an opportunity to reflect about the year spent, the now and the 2013. 2012 did not work out as expected or planned. This was difficult to accept but already in the past. With a strong faith in karma I expect the New Year to be very interesting both on a personal level as well as on a professional level with DEFY Patagonia. A strange feeling of having made all the strategic moves in my own power I now awaits the move of my opponent (outer circumstances) to prepare my counter- and checkmate-move.

Being just one week away from celebrating year one post op, tomorrow is the long expected – and dreaded - visit to the knee-specialist; the move I have been waiting for. I am excited and very nervous.

Status after 3 weeks in Denmark with a very low key workout scheme with stretching, yoga and massages is a reduction in ROM, increase of soreness and a lump sticking out on the inside of the knee. Something is definitely wrong, but how serious is it? So the big question tomorrow is quite simple really: Can I recover with time or is a surgery necessary?  

Secondary but not less important is the prospect in the long run. What can I expect of the knee. Will I ever return to the mountains?

A big day is at hand….. I need a whole lot of karma don’t you think?

The transition

So now I am writing you from Copenhagen after having to face some tough and quite quick decisions regarding my future and health, having to completely ignore important elements such as my present desires and plans. After having received 2 different medical opinions about my weak and hurting knee in November, another month had to pass by before I finally understood what I had to do. After that I robotically bought the ticket, made all my preparations and on the December 20^th I was hugging my family in Copenhagen Airport leaving behind my husband, my job and all our plans on standby.

In mid-October I suddenly felt a deep and abnormal pain around my knee. That made me slow down my rehab to a full rest. 3 weeks passed by and no improvement was noticed so I went ahead and had an MRI scan of the knee. I had my doctor and a second have a look at the scan and was not at all pleased with the different opinions. But I was left with the impression that time could heal, so I cared and nursed for my knee with passion and dedication, my PT passing me the energy, hope and tools. But when she one day told me that she was running out of explanations and ideas, a heavy load was suddenly dropped on me. This load fare surpassing the other bomb recently dropped on me when my doctor told me to look for a desk job and forget all about the mountains, having spent one year believing in my full recovery and return to the same. A belief he himself had planted. The knee status changed that day from no progress, pain and aches also to include an alarming lack of local help.

The end of the Maya calendar era is strangely coinciding with all of these more or less unforeseen events making me feel somewhat driven or even controlled by this odd energy. It is the end of an era and the beginning of a new. I feel strange: Home and away at the same time. I can’t shake away the sensation of having to draw a line again confronting all of my decisions and my standpoint in life. Even though I am happy where I am I still feel that the transition brought to me by these current and surprising events is the beginning of something new. I am realizing that I would be a fool not to reconsider my life and the path I have chosen, taking this new hand I have been dealt into account - along with other sudden changes of events. To me this certainly proves that life is ever changing and nothing is given – and that a life journey is successfully completed if you know how to adjust your life according to the unforeseen brought upon you.

Either way I am actually enjoying the naked Danish winter landscape from which I have been separated the last 4 years when I usually am travelling from springtime to springtime jumping between the hemispheres. It has been cold and snowing and the days are extremely short. That strangely does not emphasize my state of mind rather it is making me feel at home. 

My knee coming in the way...

Being in the middle of telling you about the Torres del Paine Expedition, I need to tell you about more recent matters. Even though you don’t know the end of the expedition yet I must break to you that I was not able to finish it (but be excited to read about the 9 days lost in the wilderness later on). There was no accident or other unforeseen events, just an ongoing battle between my heart and my mind during the entity of the expedition that finally had a winner. After 1 whole year of absence from the mountain, and from strenuous exercises in general, I quickly became aware of the difference in my strength and endurance. In spite of a very dedicated and focused rehab and preparations towards the expeditions, my body was to my surprise very weak, and I had a lot of difficulties in just walking with my backpack. But a mixture of pride, willpower and the comparison with the pre-op dorthe just a year ago, forced me to not accept that this was too big of a mouthful. See I wanted to keep on but eventually realized that it would be very dangerous to continue with the knee feeling more and more tired and worn out for every day.

So after 9 incredible days my partner Bondig reacted to the first insecurity I mumbled out, and we agreed to head back to Puerto Natales and get some important rest and access to better care for the knee. This was October 14. Since then I have not been able to walk without pain and irritation in the area close to my repaired meniscus.  3 weeks of rest and uncertainty when finally I was ordered an MRI scanning that discarded major internal damages. Then 3 more weeks with light exercises, massages, kinotherapy, a lot of stretching and heat/ cold treatments before I yesterday was able to get a (actually 2) medical statements that, even though completely different, both are heading towards a new operation. One of them even told me to start to forget about the mountains. “You will probably never be able to walk in them again”. Wow that was new but to be honest not that surprising. If you could see into my knee you would immediately notice the absence of all the cushioning parts (cartilages) leaving the bones in direct friction whenever I bend my knee. That makes me either way you put it a future arthritis victim. But it was not what I had been told before, and I had up till that moment clung onto the hope that the knee would be a 90% as opposed to the approx. 85% it was prior to the operation. Now it seems I should be lucky if I get to 75%.

What a major bummer.  And for a while I really found it unfair – I actually still do. I felt that the road I have chosen and the life I have fought for all of the sudden was being taken away. That the castle I was working my way towards had been torn down right in front of me.  I can’t understand why what I really love to do is being taken away from me? Unfortunately this is not one of these stories where I with hard work and willpower will contradict the doctor’s word and you will find me running from mountain top to mountain top within a few months. If I do I will just apply more stress on the bones and cause myself more pain and cut time off towards the inevitable: a life with anthritis.

I have been down, but am on the way back up. I do not believe that I will never make it back up in the mountains. I have just to lower the bar because I have a bad and worn out knee – which I myself have inflicted having played soccer as a teen. But I believe despite it all that my knee can get better. Free from the pressure of fixed deadlines I have decided to take the time and put in the energy (once again) necessary to recover. I know what to do and are willing to fight back.

Have you ever had any experience with a knee having had 3 partial meniscectomies, 1 meniscus repair, a ACL reconstruction and a diagnosed kneecap ulcer at the last stage (chondromalacia patella grade 4). I am interested to know any happy-ending stories….

Equipment Review - SUMO expedition bag from Haglöfs

SUMO 75/95 L

If you are looking for a reliable, well-thought and straight forward backpack for heavy loads. This is for you.

This backpack is the ideal friend on your several-day-hikes and/ or expeditions. It sits very well even on narrow lady shoulders and the waist band is very well padded securing that all weight is transferred without any pinching or bothering – even though the load might be very heavy.

I prefer the pack as simple and straight forward as possible without any excessive and unnecessary pockets and features. This pack fully lives up to this demand. It is perfect for packing fast and tight in the morning. The bottom entrance is formed and perfected as to easily enter bulk from the bottom and on the side of the bag is another zipper to gain easy access to your “middle” stuff. Great.

The fabric is tough and black which I personally like as my packs always get very dirty. The top compartment can be detached and carried around the waist when doing exploring outside of a fixed basecamp.

Cool features:

-          - Waterproof zippers

-          - Good positions of grips for easy handling

-          - Camelbak inlet and easy directing of tube

-          - Great distribution of pockets and roll-up straps

-   

A dream coming true?

Finally we are ready. And finally the day arrived. We set out towards the park with all our stuff for 16 days of exploration and fun on and off the trails in the National Park Torres del Paine in Chilean Patagonia. In the beginning of October the majority of the trails are closed or only accessible accompanied by a guide. I am a certified guide and have all the permissions in order before leaving.

We are 3 of us, all with a great love for and fascination of the nature and the outdoor life, but with the experience and skills not yet equivalent. They will without a doubt be tested and improved the next couple of weeks. Our gear is all new, partly sponsored and all tested stuff. Not a single empty pocket or cavity in the approx. 25 kg backpacks we are carrying.

I have worked very hard on getting ready for this. And I have a lot at stake too. It is a crucial moment. This is the moment where everything I have worked for the last 6 months are to be set in motion. This is DEFY Patagonia finally coming to live. To be completely honest I am not as ready physically as I had relied and always hoped I would be, but I am letting it aside in favor of the grand overall plan of my future. You see the expedition’s most important goal is to be able to write and take impressive photos of Patagonia in order to promote and bomb Scandinavia with this fantastic place throughout winter. This leading to an increased interest in travelling to here and thereby making way for the tour operator DEFY Patagonia I am soon to open. Secondary, but equally important, it is about having a goal during the long and hard hours of training recovering from my knee operation in January.

What a thrill it is for me to be back in the mountains with my backpack, all liberated at once of the worries and duties of the city-life. It has been almost a year since the accident and here I am after a long struggle ready to face once again the curious and mighty mountains. And what better to share this with my husband and my best friend. I am truly happy and excited. Anything may come – I am ready!

The first part of the expedition is taking place within the Pingo valley. A valley rarely visited and therefor very virgin - and to us completely unexplored.  We are aware of the presence of the rare and shy Andean Dear, the huemul, and are hoping to see one. Also we will try to get to the Southern Icefield and the Tyndall Glacier where we know several vertebra fossils of the extinct Ictiosaurius are embedded in the polished rock.  Early October is also early spring meaning that we have something new, fresh and colorful in store for us. The smell and color of the new baby leaves and flowers in bloom gives a warning of the start of something new. 

Shortly after setting out, leaving behind civilization, we are surprised by 3 all-white horses, showing up from nowhere, greeting us and wishing us good luck. That is at least what was gathered from what I saw as mirrors of our pure souls ready for new adventures...

Read on soon.....

Foto teaser to upcoming blog

Soon you can read about the 1. part of the expedition to Torres del Paine. Meanwhile take a look at a few fotos from the 4 days in the Pingo Valley