Inmobilized

7 weeks post op I am doing exceptionally fine. Slowly gaining more mobility I am able to walk very slowly 1 km without brace and mostly without crutches. It makes me happy but also very aware of the job I have ahead of me regaining muscles strength and the propioception (the nerve connection that brings messages between my brain and my leg, that really has a hard time responding when I more or less unconsciously ask it to move or flex etc.) There is a noticeable delay in the communication leaving a lapse of time for me to actually make my next move and sometimes stumble before I realize the delay. To prevent this I have to be extremely focused and concentrated all the time no matter what I do. It’s tough but also interesting figuring out and observing the healthy side of my body compared to the weak one.

At least 2-3 hours daily I spend solely on nursing and strengthening the leg. I take off the brace to get a better feel of my muscles but also to observe and focus on perfect execution. Before I lay out my mat to work out I warm up by walking and biking on the static bike in the basement. It makes me feel very exposed walking without the brace. It’s my protection not alone from bad movements but also it aids me by alerting surrounding people of my weak leg. It’s very important to me that my over-protective consciousness will let go of the fear of pain and injury and start to build up the confidence and trust I will need in the mountains. The exercises at this point is focused on obtaining a complete extension of the leg and on gaining more range of motion. Today I can flex up to about 135 degrees when assisted. That’s a whole lot better than expected at this point giving me a great advantage as I am shortly taking off the brace and start the real rehabilitation. The difference in circumference of the thighs are still 4 cm as it was 1 week post op. It might take a year to regain complete muscle-strength.

Being semi mobile I have gone to the north coast of the Danish Island Sealand, a 1 hour drive from Copenhagen. I am sitting in the sun appreciating all the different trees blossoming bringing about the recognizable and super beautiful baby green color lightening up the entire landscape that is awakening after having just survived during winter. Spectacular creatures... I leave you with the sunset last night.

A Brand new Knee?

Spring has truly arrived to Copenhagen. In the glasshouse in my parent’s garden I have registered the temperature to 35 degrees this past week. Though the real outside temperature is about 10 degrees it’s wonderful. I am 3 weeks post op already, having undergone surgery April 9. What a mess I had inside my knee: it was filled with a surprisingly amount of scar tissue, leaks via a small hole in the knee capsule and loose items within. I was following the operation live on a small screen witnessing firsthand the thorough clean-up and the new suture in the meniscus we agreed on right there, trying to save the meniscus once again. The doctor then closed the small hole in the capsule and then she separated and removed the cyst the leak had amounted to. 1 and a half hour and I was wheeled away to slowly recover from the epidural. The same afternoon I went home with the entire leg wrapped in a Don Joy set on -10 degrees (full extension) for the next 2 weeks.

I had to brusquely stop the Spring Cleansing I was undergoing, when the doctor hospitalized me with just 1 day notice. So I ate after just 2 days of fast when the intention was 4 days. But honestly I was feeling very weak and dizzy so it wasn’t too bad. I was careful about what I ate but not really following the strict regime the cleansing was dictating. This being avoiding several foods that are considered to clog up the system (wheat, yeast, milk products, rice etc.) Instead I was focusing on getting energy to recover from surgery. All in all I still feel cleansed out and on top of that I was relieved of the 5 kg I had gained during the fase of waiting.

Now I am happy to announce that the knee will recover. It’s been 6 months of uncertainty not really knowing whether or not I would ever be able to return to my beloved mountains.  A total of 6 months of endless waiting that I am getting ready to leave behind me, replacing it with all the stacked up hopes and dreams that has been trapped inside my soul. Today I am very optimistic and obviously extremely happy about the idea of actively aid the progress of recovery by exercising and strengthening my tooth stick-like right leg. To be able to do something instead of nothing. Wow what a thrill…

This time however, as opposed to last time, it seems I will have to be very patient and not progress too fast. This is going to be my big challenge of which I am reminded daily be my mindful husband when I am walking without the crutches for instance. It is and will be extremely difficult. I have already made myself a rehab program that brings me to a point where I can guide the first groups of DEFY Patagonia in January 2014. The program is a slow and continuous advance of physical strength combined with a lot of functional training: camping, hiking and trekking in the beloved Patagonian Mountains. I am so excited.

The Don Joy has denied me flying back to Chile as intended yesterday, early May. Doctor’s word. For Luis to stay here with me until august, we have applied for an extension of the 90 days tourist visa he is already possessing. Supposedly it’s just a formality but seeing that the Danish immigration system is very hostile it’s not possible to believe in anything before we get the real answer. Luis staying will mean that we can continue the daily English classes along with the fly fishing lessons Luis is receiving, not to mention the incredible support he is putting in my rehabilitation. We make a very good team and it would be such a shame to break that up at this point. Unfortunately the answer was a stunning NO to our petition. Even acked up by a complaint accompanied by 2 different doctors assuring that I am in a situation of limited function needing support Luis had to leave yesterday. It’s quite shameful that the Danish system denies us being together for a limited period of time when I honestly need him more than ever. But since it has to be that way one just need to adjust.

Today I had a follow up with my PT, Kristian Koldsbjerg Nielsen, who sees my progress as really good. I have received a moral boost and motivation to carry on towards full recovery. I am halfway in wearing the Don Joy, now locked in between  full extension and 40 degrees flexion. Its going so well as I am now to slowly fade out the use of crutches. And the thigh muscles is gaining potency also.

I leave you with some photos of the resistant leg/ knee of mine taken within the last 3 weeks.

Cleaning Out

I am just one week away from the doctors appointment and the future judgment on my knee. With the hour closing in I am actually letting go of the anxiety and restlessness that seems to have dominated my life over the past year. It has been an entire month since I last checked in here. During this time I have initiated a thorough cleansing of my mind as well as my degrading body. I needed new life and energy. It has been a month of introspective, meditation and release under the guidance of a professional healer, leading to a far healthier vision of my current life-situation. I seem to have forgotten that the path of life is long and that every little detail will fit in in the bigger picture in the end.

I have given in to life and lived it as best as I could. A longed for and very much needed injection of good energy right in the vein which slowly changed my state of mind in the right, positive direction. As a direct consequence I decided to take the physical (and very mental) challenge to go on a cleanse/ fast to purify and lighten my conscience by undergoing a strict internal spring cleaning.  Over almost a month I am following a very strict – and not too far from my normal vegetarian - diet-regime and fast while I dedicate myself to meditation, stretching and yoga (to the very limited extent I am capable of) as well as my other daily chores. I have done cleansing several times before and know more or less what to expect , and I am glad to recognize the benefits and positive influence treating my body well brings along.

This type of cleansing brings topics and ghosts hidden in the sub conscience out in the open, free to be treated, accepted and released, out of my system. The internal spring cleaning becomes a mental spring cleaning too and I intend to benefit from it when the knee in a short while will be recovering once again.

Spring is here. Apart from the very wintery snow the days has slowly grown longer and the sun is warming you up around the heart, while you shelter from the wind. People wear smiles more loosely and everything is starting anew. I can hear the mountains calling me from the distance. I am getting ready for an expected reencounter. Soon!?! 

Out Birding

I was putting on my Haglöfs GRYM at 7.30 AM a Saturday in February. Not since October had I worn my favourite trekking boots. But today was special.

In 2 degrees below 0 we were 15 bird enthusiasts defying the cold windy climate to circumwalk the little peninsula Bognæs deep within the Roskilde Fiord, some 50 odd km from Copenhagen. We were gathered to go “hunting” for Northern Europe’s largest bird of prey; White-tailed Eagle aka “Sea Eagle” (Haliaeetus albicilla). A couple is known to nest on this small Peninsula habited only by few humans and a lot of deer. All of us equipped with a personal binocular dangling from around our neck, 4 ornithologists had furthermore brought their scope on tripods to be able to focus in on our “prey”. FYI a personal binocular enlarges about 8-10 times while the grand tripod monsters enlarge approx 60 times or even beyond. If we are so lucky as to find an Eagle resting these come into play.

I am a recent member of the Danish Ornithologist Society and this was my first outing bird watching in the company of fellow enthusiasts. My knowledge of Scandinavian Birds is short in comparison with my Patagonian and that is something I am set to change. And I was in for a real treat as these guys are extremely capable, inspiring and walking encyclopaedias in birds. We saw several birds and birds of prey (3 species of Buzzards (Buteo)), even a couple of rare ones – in my terminology, but the pair of Sea Eagles proved to be missing in action. You see the fiord surrounding the peninsula was frozen and thus still not apt for the prey of the Sea Eagle.

The day was very grey and moist, even snowy at some point, not favouring for great photos. But none the less we walked for 4 hours through the naked winter forest of pine, beech and lark on trails just as frozen and slippery as the fiord itself. To my delight we also passed an ancient Oak of approx. 600 years. Now unfortunately dead but that didn’t prevent me from playing a short film inside my head of what this giant must have witnessed during his many cycles. I was more happy than a dog with 2 tails, completely ignoring the pain I had felt in my leg since we sat out. It didn’t matter. For a short while I was back in my territory, out and around. Just a little lost in the Danish “wilderness”.

This week I received news from the hospital that confirmed my suspicion: Soon I will be called in to be prepared for yet another knee operation. This will be my fourth in 12 years. Having spent the last 6 months with discomfort, pain and a lot of uncertainty this news was actually quit a relief and the spark of a new light of hope. Mentally I can hope and prepare for recovery which has ignited a newfound awareness of my body. The body I have rejected since that fatal day in October last year when something went completely wrong inside my recovering knee. Since that day I have –yet again - been a prisoner inside my own body not accepting the realities nor taking the responsibility. Proof of that are the 5 very earthly kilos I have gained during these months. Meniscus transplants of both my meniscus has been mentioned which implies a non weight bearing period of 4 weeks and a very slow and long recovery process. It is a complete dejavu situation but still I prefer it over loss of capacity any time. We will just have to wait and see. I am treated by the very best doctors into sports injury and science in Denmark and I would trust them to mend my knee and to support me in my recovery.

A pleasant visit from Chile

Still without any notice from the doctor I saw myself spiraling down towards a deep depression at the end of January and beginning of February. How I would just love to be posting blogs about the adventures and challenges I had planned to encounter at this point, but instead I find myself posting half dairies about how to cope with my loss. However with the arrival of my husband Luis last week the downward spiral immediately turned in a positive direction. At once I was scraping off layers of negativity and freeing myself of unnecessary worrying, getting a glimpse of the happiness I felt in September when I returned to Patagonia.

Slowly meaning is entering my life once again. And so is my awareness of freedom of choice. I am still sick and tired of the f*** knee but I can’t keep wasting my time when the world is still spinning and people around me with it. I have promised my husband to focus on our bright future and sort between the god and the bad for me right now. It may seem logical but beeing to clouded I had lost my way. The knee and entire leg is weakening fast. I am worried I will never recover from 1 1/2 year of inactivity, mutilation and compensation and the endless waiting is still driving me crazy.

This weekend however we went to the country side to visit our friends Line, Nicolai and their 2 boys. Being in their company usually means lots of “hygge” (coziness red.) with good food and home brewed beer. Adding to this hopefully some introductory fly fishing and tips to my website behavior. And so it went and I was able to lay aside my worries and talk about the future.

Nicolai just happens to be a fanatic and excellent fly fisher with the spare equipment and energy to introduce Luis in the world of fly fishing. With him as a mentor and motivator Luis is taking up the challenge of learning the fine art of fly fishing with the objective to go exploring the Southern Patagonia for spots and at the same time evolve to a descent fly fisher. In the near future DEFY Patagonia will  include guided fly fishing trips to the best places in our region. We are both motivated and has, thanks to the borrowed rod from Nicolai, been out everyday – wind or not – to throw the line and watch the birds while freezing our a** off. 

 So from now on challengepatagonia.blogspot.com will also be treating the challenges and advances of my husband Luis in his endeavor of learning how to fly fish.

I leave you today with 2 fotos: one taken exactly 1 year ago (4 weeks after surgery) and the latter taken today. It is still thin and deform.

Time vs. Patience

I left the doctor a bit disappointed after having been enrolled in the Danish Health System. It was my own fault really after having expected more than was possible. The doctor was capable and quite nice and recognized me immediately. I handed in the disc showing my MRI scan made in Chile, which he would hand in to the x-ray department responsible for deciphering the various images. Before having done a thorough analysis of the disc no diagnose is expected. Logical but not what I have had in mind.

While I am waiting to know whether or not the disc is in a satisfactory quality I am following the mantra of this whole process: Patience. As life goes by I am slowly getting more and more restless in my approach towards my handicap and often reminded about the connection and increasing off-balance between my earthly, physical body and my conscious mind. It might very well be my greatest task in all of this to accept and take advantage of the increased mental overweight I am experiencing when lacking my strength of my physical body to take me to places I so long for. The connection is not in sync and my mind cannot cope with it.

My friends tell me I have a certain sadness about me and a seriousness that I in my entire life have never had or never have had to have. I myself was not aware of it but not taken by surprise. Even when comparing my “minor” problem with other life tragedies I believe I have a right to be sad. Strangely I am also sad about the before mentioned tragedies other people are experiencing. I am sad and take on all the sadness around me. As if I have joined a special club for unhappy people sharing and showing compassion and understanding. I don’t know but it is all of a sudden quite a responsibility and a heavy burden. It is contagious and dangerous and I have to dig very deep, through meditation, to find back to who I am and to find peace even in moments like these.

I am reminded that life is ever changing and that I must adapt and change my life around the changes. Because if I do not I will be stuck in the past missing out on life. Life being ever changing will always have its up’s and down’s. The down’s bringing perspective requiring us to evolve our will power that eventually gives us the ability to really enjoy the up’s. That simple. But so much easier said than done. On the way to re discovering all of this I have had some very tough weeks. At one point I developed an allergy for negative words and actions, even when applied with humor. I was so over sensible I even got a rash, stomach aches and was filled up with anger (in Ayurveda this is a heavy overload of pitta). I for one am not an angry person but for 2 days I think I was unbearable and to me everyone was in unbearable too.

I have questioned human relations and our responsibility towards each other. Ending up by concluding – once again – that we are all alone in the end. The responsibility for my life and the road to my happiness is mine. And suddenly I started taking responsibility once again. Under a meditation I went for my deck of goddess cards that gave 3 clues to how to get back on the right path: get out in nature, find my inner goddess and find my true desire. So this is what I am doing. Connecting with the birds outside my window, meditate and work on establishing DEFY Patagonia. This is my focus and I am already on the road back to being happy. I will finish by posting a photo of the winter guests from north: Bohemian Waxwing searching for food in our back yard.

I am reassured that this will end in a good way. It will take me to new levels of understanding and enjoying the gift of life. Because that is what it is all about. Life. 

The happy New Year

Entering 2013 offered an opportunity to reflect about the year spent, the now and the 2013. 2012 did not work out as expected or planned. This was difficult to accept but already in the past. With a strong faith in karma I expect the New Year to be very interesting both on a personal level as well as on a professional level with DEFY Patagonia. A strange feeling of having made all the strategic moves in my own power I now awaits the move of my opponent (outer circumstances) to prepare my counter- and checkmate-move.

Being just one week away from celebrating year one post op, tomorrow is the long expected – and dreaded - visit to the knee-specialist; the move I have been waiting for. I am excited and very nervous.

Status after 3 weeks in Denmark with a very low key workout scheme with stretching, yoga and massages is a reduction in ROM, increase of soreness and a lump sticking out on the inside of the knee. Something is definitely wrong, but how serious is it? So the big question tomorrow is quite simple really: Can I recover with time or is a surgery necessary?  

Secondary but not less important is the prospect in the long run. What can I expect of the knee. Will I ever return to the mountains?

A big day is at hand….. I need a whole lot of karma don’t you think?