Time vs. Patience

I left the doctor a bit disappointed after having been enrolled in the Danish Health System. It was my own fault really after having expected more than was possible. The doctor was capable and quite nice and recognized me immediately. I handed in the disc showing my MRI scan made in Chile, which he would hand in to the x-ray department responsible for deciphering the various images. Before having done a thorough analysis of the disc no diagnose is expected. Logical but not what I have had in mind.

While I am waiting to know whether or not the disc is in a satisfactory quality I am following the mantra of this whole process: Patience. As life goes by I am slowly getting more and more restless in my approach towards my handicap and often reminded about the connection and increasing off-balance between my earthly, physical body and my conscious mind. It might very well be my greatest task in all of this to accept and take advantage of the increased mental overweight I am experiencing when lacking my strength of my physical body to take me to places I so long for. The connection is not in sync and my mind cannot cope with it.

My friends tell me I have a certain sadness about me and a seriousness that I in my entire life have never had or never have had to have. I myself was not aware of it but not taken by surprise. Even when comparing my “minor” problem with other life tragedies I believe I have a right to be sad. Strangely I am also sad about the before mentioned tragedies other people are experiencing. I am sad and take on all the sadness around me. As if I have joined a special club for unhappy people sharing and showing compassion and understanding. I don’t know but it is all of a sudden quite a responsibility and a heavy burden. It is contagious and dangerous and I have to dig very deep, through meditation, to find back to who I am and to find peace even in moments like these.

I am reminded that life is ever changing and that I must adapt and change my life around the changes. Because if I do not I will be stuck in the past missing out on life. Life being ever changing will always have its up’s and down’s. The down’s bringing perspective requiring us to evolve our will power that eventually gives us the ability to really enjoy the up’s. That simple. But so much easier said than done. On the way to re discovering all of this I have had some very tough weeks. At one point I developed an allergy for negative words and actions, even when applied with humor. I was so over sensible I even got a rash, stomach aches and was filled up with anger (in Ayurveda this is a heavy overload of pitta). I for one am not an angry person but for 2 days I think I was unbearable and to me everyone was in unbearable too.

I have questioned human relations and our responsibility towards each other. Ending up by concluding – once again – that we are all alone in the end. The responsibility for my life and the road to my happiness is mine. And suddenly I started taking responsibility once again. Under a meditation I went for my deck of goddess cards that gave 3 clues to how to get back on the right path: get out in nature, find my inner goddess and find my true desire. So this is what I am doing. Connecting with the birds outside my window, meditate and work on establishing DEFY Patagonia. This is my focus and I am already on the road back to being happy. I will finish by posting a photo of the winter guests from north: Bohemian Waxwing searching for food in our back yard.

I am reassured that this will end in a good way. It will take me to new levels of understanding and enjoying the gift of life. Because that is what it is all about. Life. 

The happy New Year

Entering 2013 offered an opportunity to reflect about the year spent, the now and the 2013. 2012 did not work out as expected or planned. This was difficult to accept but already in the past. With a strong faith in karma I expect the New Year to be very interesting both on a personal level as well as on a professional level with DEFY Patagonia. A strange feeling of having made all the strategic moves in my own power I now awaits the move of my opponent (outer circumstances) to prepare my counter- and checkmate-move.

Being just one week away from celebrating year one post op, tomorrow is the long expected – and dreaded - visit to the knee-specialist; the move I have been waiting for. I am excited and very nervous.

Status after 3 weeks in Denmark with a very low key workout scheme with stretching, yoga and massages is a reduction in ROM, increase of soreness and a lump sticking out on the inside of the knee. Something is definitely wrong, but how serious is it? So the big question tomorrow is quite simple really: Can I recover with time or is a surgery necessary?  

Secondary but not less important is the prospect in the long run. What can I expect of the knee. Will I ever return to the mountains?

A big day is at hand….. I need a whole lot of karma don’t you think?